The same argument, for the eleventh year.

What It Looks Like

Two people, one argument, no new information.

Sometimes it is loud and repetitive: the same disagreement in different costumes, arriving on a schedule you could almost predict. Sometimes it is the opposite, a courteous silence that has been settling for years and is now the loudest thing in the house.

It is not always a marriage. It is a business partner, an adult child, a parent whose approval still governs more of your decisions than you would like to admit, a colleague you rehearse conversations with in the car.

What people usually want at first is to be told they are right. That is understandable, and it is not what changes anything.

How We Work

Your half of it, examined properly.

This is individual work, so we look at the part of the pattern that is yours: what you do when you feel dismissed, what you withhold, what you have decided is not worth saying, and what you learned about conflict long before you met the person you are currently having it with.

Some of that is psychodynamic. Old material sets the terms of a present-day conversation more often than most people believe. Some of it is somatic, because you generally know a conversation has gone wrong in your chest before you know it in words.

And a good deal of it is dialogue as a practice: real conversation, which is rarer than it sounds, the kind where both people are actually willing to be changed by what is said. You can learn that here and take it into the room where it matters.

What Changes

Better conversations, and clearer choices.

The usual first change is that the argument stops running automatically. You notice the moment it begins, and there is a gap where the reaction used to be. That gap is where a different outcome becomes possible.

Sometimes the relationship improves substantially. Sometimes what becomes clear is that it is ending, and the work turns toward doing that with more honesty and less wreckage than it would otherwise have. I do not have a preferred ending and I will not steer you toward one.

I see individuals rather than couples, so this is your work on a shared problem. If what you need is both of you in the room together, I will say so and help you find that.

Practical

How the work runs.

Sessions are 60 minutes by secure video, anywhere in North Carolina. Most people begin weekly. Adults 18 and over, most between 30 and 75.

If you have no interest in developing self-awareness and self-regulation, I am not the right counselor for you, and this is the area where that shows up fastest.

I do not treat addictions or eating disorders. Where either is the primary concern in a relationship, I will refer you to a specialist.

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